“I Can’t Sleep from Guilt of Having a Bed”

A Palestinian’s Reflections in Diaspora

I keep my map and my flag around my neck 24/7 now. It’s not a necklace anymore, it’s the only way I can keep my country close to my chest. I can’t sleep from the guilt of having a bed and the fear of hearing new numbers in the morning. I’ve given up trying to go to bed before Fajr. I’ve resorted to spending my nights frozen in front of my screen, trying to fool my body into thinking it can accompany my soul which has left it days ago to try to hover over its long-lost brethren in Gaza, though I know I am helpless to prevent their pain. My body is grappling with tremors from the cold of the night and the anxiety of my mind as I attempt to put my thoughts into words now - at 5:10 am - again, knowing none of my distress is comparable even in the slightest to that of our people who will wake to entire families wiped out of existence. Our communities, fighting to keep awareness alive in the midst of this propaganda flood, and our prayers whispered and shouted between our hearts and our All-Mighty Lord are the only things keeping my heart from flying out of my chest and my mind from my head of their own accord.

By Sundus Aladra